Another great article by Keith Ferrazi
How to Party Hardy, Alcohol-Free
You have about ten seconds before a person decides, subconsciously, whether they like you or not. In that short period of time we don’t exchange a lot of words; our judgment is mostly based on nonverbal communication.
Failing to plan, as they say, is planning to fail. So it goes with outreach. Most people’s efforts are scattershot. But if you want to make the most of your network – and give the most to your network – you need to get organized.
The thought of being obligated to another hundred or so people—sending birthday cards, dinner invites, and all that stuff that we do for those close to us—seems outlandishly taxing.
No. 1: Be Proactive: Be a 'Trim-Tab'
To be proactive means more than taking the initiative. It means that we are responsible for our own lives. Our behavior is a function of our decisions, not our conditions.
I am a big fan of Buckminster Fuller, who said he always wanted to be a "trim-tab," the small rudder that turns the big rudder that turns the entire ship. I believe there are numerous potential trim-tabbers in all walks of life who can lead and spread their influence no matter what position they hold.
Taking initiative is a form of selfempowerment. More important, we should empower people to solve problems without them having to go ask permission from their boss to do so.
Years ago I served as an admin to the president of a university. This man in many ways was very controlling and was from the school that he knew what was best when it came to making big decisions. Although a talented and brilliant man, he lacked the interpersonal skills with the staff and treated everyone like a gofer. This had a disenchanting and disempowering effect on all who worked with him, and there were many private discussions around the office about the way he treated others.
Then there was Ben, who simply took another approach. Even though he, too, was treated like a gofer, he decided he would be the best gofer in the office. He soon was able to predict what the president's needs would be, and when he was invited to an important meeting, he asked if he could present his data findings, then went on to offer astute analysis and recommendations. The president loved his analysis and invited him to give the same presentation to the board.
Ben wasn't resigned to the fact that something couldn't be done about an unreasonable boss who treated his people like children. Ben was a trim-tab leader, someone who is constant like a lighthouse and not a weather vane. A lighthouse is a constant and reliable source of light that doesn't twist and turn with the wind.
No. 2: Sharpen the Saw
First of all, decide what is truly important and distinguish it from that which is urgent but not important. Half the time people spend is on things that are urgent but not important, like a ringing phone, something that is pressing, something that is proximate or popular, but it may not be important at all. You must learn to say no to the unimportant so you can say yes to the important. Most of the meetings people deem important don't need to be held. You need to have screening devices on all the new technologies so that when something really important comes through you can learn to say no to the other things. It may upset a few people because they want you to do the popular thing, but you'll accomplish so much more.
I am working right now on six very significant book projects and I wouldn't want to be deterred from making those kinds of contributions at all by getting enmeshed in things that are urgent but not really important.
I think that's one of the first things. Then learn to sharpen the saw early in the day and then get at it and work as a complementary team, so you don't have to go to all those meetings, you don't have to do all that e-mail. You can learn to say no. To say no because of a burning yes about what is important is one of the most significant things you can do.
Make it a habit to cultivate the four parts of your nature—body, mind, heart and spirit. If you neglect any one of them, you will find it will have a negative effect upon the other three and your life will become imbalanced. You could become work-centered rather than principle-centered, and you would find that the level of your joy and happiness would be significantly reduced, and you'd go for secondary greatness, rich and famous, instead of primary greatness, character and contribution.
And for the spiritual part, get connected to that which seems to be of intrinsic worth and value, and also that which enables you to make a difference. You want to add value, you want to contribute, and you want to develop a character of absolute integrity. So that primary greatness is character and integrity.
No. 3: Seek to Understand Before Seeking to be Understood
It's human nature for us to want to be understood. When both parties are trying to be understood, neither party is really listening. I call this interaction, "the dialogue of the deaf." But to understand is an important key to interpersonal relationships and can magically transform the course of discussions. By making the investment of time and effort required to understand the other party, we change the dynamics of the interchange.
Years ago I was honored to train the Indian chiefs who run Indian Nations. They gave me a beautiful gift of a "talking stick" and they even engraved my name on the back; they called me the Bald Eagle. I carry it around with me and whenever there is a difference in opinion, I always give it to the other person and say, "I can't say one thing until you feel understood, not just in terms of what you're saying but what you're feeling about what you're saying. I really want to understand the meaning of what you want to say." This helps to listen empathetically. People who are insecure would find this exercise painful because it makes them vulnerable because they don't know what's going to happen. But the moment you begin to listen empathetically, it unleashes a level of creative energy that can produce third, alternative solutions to problems that no one had ever thought about before.
I belong to a leadership summit group of Christians, Jews and Islamic people to develop a better relationship between the United States and the world community, which I feel has deteriorated over the last several years. I introduced Indian talking sticks for the three-day summit. The results were astounding—in fact it transformed that group. Madeleine Albright, secretary of state under President Clinton, told me she has never seen anything like this, adding this would totally revolutionize international diplomacy.
The Indian talking stick is synergistic communication. The value of the stick is that you don't get it back and cannot make your point until the other person feels understood. What air is to the body, to be understood is to the heart. I'm not worried about air now because we have it. As soon as the heart feels understood—not agreed with, just understood—you become open and teachable and creative.
No. 4: Begin with End in Mind
The most fundamental application of "begin with the end in mind" is to begin today with the image or picture of the end of your life as your frame of reference by which everything else is examined. Each part of your life can be examined in the context of what really matters most to you. It also means start with a clear understanding of your destination. It means know where you're going so that you better understand where you are now and so the steps you take are always in the right direction.
It's very easy to get caught up in an activity trap, in the busy-ness of life, to work harder at climbing the ladder of success only to discover it's leaning against the wrong wall. It is possible to be busy—very busy—without being very effective.
How different our lives are when we really know what is deeply important for us and, keeping that picture in our minds, we manage ourselves each day to be and to do what really matters most.
No. 5: Develop a Vision Mission Statement
The reason so many give up on their goals is because they don't have an overall sense of mission or purpose. In other words, What if you are the father or the mother of a family? How important is it that you are an example to your children? How important is it that you are the one who contributes to society and achieves a feeling of giving back, rather than just taking and always asking what's in it for me? Once you get a deep sense of your mission, your purpose in life and your value system that you want to live by based upon universal and timeless principles, then it's the time to set goals and set up a system of accountability, not only for yourself, but for your loved ones, so that you have some follow-through system that keeps you on track.
No. 6: Think Win-Win
Now is a good time to turn over a new leaf and take stock of your attitude and relationships as we enter the New Year. Start with a win-win attitude. It's the basic idea of the Golden Rule. It's mutual respect and mutual benefit. If you have a win-win spirit, you want the other person to win as well. Most people grow up with the cultural DNA of being compared to other people and they begin to see life through that lens, so they begin to think win-lose or lose-win or a compromise at best. The great identity theft is not having someone take your wallet and use your credit cards—it's the cultural DNA of a comparison-based approach that robs people of their true identities. That's why we must start with little children, to affi rm their worth and potential and to avoid any form of comparison. I'm not worried about athletic comparison or competition in the marketplace, but in the workplace and in the home place we need to have every person feel their worth and their potential and to be part of a complementary team.
Win-win is based on the paradigm that there is plenty for everybody, that one person's success is not achieved at the expense or exclusion of the success of others. The more you practice this habit, the more committed you will become as you find solutions that truly do benefit both parties, when originally it looked as if no such agreement might be reached.
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